Parenting Successful Kids – Takeaways from The Triple Package by Amy Chua and Jed Rubenfeld

SKIP TO: Key Takeaways

SKIP TO: Action Items for Parents

You can buy The Triple Package by Amy Chua and Jed Rubenfeld HERE.

Individuals interested in why certain cultural groups in the United States outperform others and what traits their successful children have in common. The book discusses several ethnic and/or religious groups that have done particularly well on an economic basis in the United States as of 2010. It also warns that there are pathological aspects to these traits.

I found lots of practical parenting takeaways from the Triple Package relevant to raising successful kids.

I became interested in the topic after reading an article suggesting that, for children of immigrants, assimilation into American culture leads to worse outcomes. In other words, children who did not assimilate were less likely to be anxious or depressed or to engage in criminal behavior. On the contrary, they were more likely to have good grades and to be physically healthy. This seemed counter intuitive and therefore piqued my curiosity into what these families might be doing differently with their children. The book provides an answer to the question: the “triple package” qualities.

Further, as this book points out, while there are studies showing that upward mobility is dead in the United States, these studies explicitly exclude immigrants. (The immigrants themselves were not born in the United States). For them, “the American dream is alive and well.” So, seriously, what are these parents doing?!

I wanted to understand whether there were any practical parenting takeaways from the Triple Package. My husband and I certainly want to raise successful (and happy) children. The book makes the argument that, in general, there are two distinct narratives in America right now:

In other words, the difference that makes these groups successful comes down to the “triple package.” The triple package is comprised of three qualities: a superiority complex, an inferiority complex, and impulse control.

How does it work? The superiority complex serves a dual purpose: it provides a confidence boost and a psychological shield against prejudice and/or exclusion.

Relevant studies: Performance is better (“stereotype boost”) if an individual believes she is doing something her group is stereotypically good at. Conversely, performance is worse (“stereotype threat”) if she believes she is doing something her group is stereotypically bad at.  Several studies have demonstrated this effect. (See, for example, the book Stereotype Threat: Theory, Process, and Application.) In one study, women performed better at visual rotation after hearing the study measured “perspective taking” and that women should perform well. Women performed worse when told it was a spacial test and that women would not perform well.

What is it? A chip on the shoulder – an anxiousness about your worth or place in society, worry that what you’ve done isn’t good enough, and/or fear of losing what you have. Parents cultivate this anxiety in their children, resulting in their having low self-esteem.

How does it work? Insecurity creates a “goading anxiety about oneself and one’s place in society, which in certain circumstances can become a powerful engine of material striving.” The authors argue there are three drivers for these insecurities in immigrant groups. First, feeling looked down on, for instance, if one’s resume and credentials, valuable prior to immigrating, are deemed worthless in America. Alternatively, some Americans may be prejudiced against or even hostile to one’s group. Second, insecurity may be due to fear of being unable to survive, typically due to a history of persecution. Third, insecurity may be due to feeling guilt and a duty to succeed after witnessing the sacrifices of one’s family. This guilt may be encouraged if children are taught that personal failure disgraces the entire family. It may also be encouraged if they are regularly compared to successful children of family and friends.

Relevant Studies: The authors flag a study of over five thousand immigrant children, in which researchers consistently identified a keen sense of obligation and an anxiety to redeem the sacrifices of one’s parents, giving the parents leverage over their children. The authors note that improving self-esteem (good self-esteem being the opposite of insecurity) may harm academic performance, as demonstrated in a study where messages targeted at increasing a student’s self-esteem resulted in worse performance. Other studies show that praising a child’s intelligence is correlated with lower test scores, and an increased likelihood that the child will lie about her level of performance. Among racial groups, studies show that low self-esteem may be correlated with high academic achievement. For instance, Asian Americans report the worst self-esteem despite having the best grades. The authors further note that high self-esteem is correlated with depression, anxiety, and narcissism in adults.

What is it?  The ability to resist temptation and to persevere in the face of setbacks, hardship, and failure. Groups tend to be more successful if they have not yet bought into American culture, which tends to promote a culture of living in the present.

How does it work? Rather than believing that learning should be fun, parents teach that learning requires “hardship, exhaustion, even pain.” They push their children to study, drill, and take extra lessons, rather than to explore creatively and spontaneously or to socialize with friends. Once learned, impulse control bleeds into other areas of life and results in better sustained concentration, perseverance, and the ability to resist temptation.

Interesting Studies: The authors discuss the well-known “marshmallow test” in which a child receives a marshmallow, with the instruction that he may eat it straight away or wait a period and receive an additional marshmallow. When researchers followed up with children years later, they found that those children who held out for the additional marshmallow performed better academically and had fewer social problems.

Importantly, the authors flag that in a variation of the experiment where a test administrator demonstrated unreliability (by promising to bring “exciting art supplies” into the waiting room prior to the administration of the marshmallow test, but not following through), almost no children held out for the additional marshmallow. Where the administrator followed through, most of the children held out for the additional marshmallow. The authors suggest the lesson here is that, to exercise impulse control, children must trust the reliability of the system and that their discipline and hard work will be rewarded.

(Note that the findings of the marshmallow test study have been called into question. The results failed to replicate in a subsequent study. See, for example, the discussion in the following Atlantic article, Why Rich Kids Are So Good at the Marshmallow Test.)

The authors are clear that despite the potential benefits of the triple package qualities, there are some associated risks. The risks also constitute vital parenting takeaways from the triple package qualities.

A superiority complex may result in a propensity toward bigotry, exclusivity, insularity, or parochialism. Telling your children that your group is better runs counter to the liberal notion that no life is better than another. It can lead to a lack of tolerance for other groups and ways of life. It may cause groups to refuse to integrate with American society.

Children who are insecure may feel that their accomplishments are never good enough. They may feel they are instruments, only valued to the extent they can provide their parents with bragging rights. They are likely to have poor self-esteem. These children may measure success according to traditional and materialistic metrics only. They may learn only to judge their lives by external measures.

Here are my three actionable parenting takeaways from the Triple Package.

The book mentions how some families have a “triple package” culture despite not being in a classic “outsider” group. So maybe it is possible to pass along some version of the triple package. However, it is important to me to avoid simultaneously passing along the dark sides of these traits. My practical parenting takeaways on the Triple Package are below.

This action item is based on the first of my takeaways from The Triple Package: A superiority complex may confer some advantages on children. From the takeaways section above:

• Benefits of the Superiority Complex: a performance boost & a shield from feeling like an outsider
• Risks: intolerance, isolation, bigotry

When I think about this for my children, I think about instilling a sense of pride in their family history. The goal would be to motivate them, by teaching that they come from extraordinary people, and to give them a sense of belonging to this extraordinary group to shield them when they encounter rejection. To accomplish this goal, I will collect stories about grandparents, great grandparents, etc., to give my children a sense of the spirit of the family they come from and all the stories that have taken place to get them to where they are today.

If I focus on our family history and how the individuals in our family have thrived over time due to their hard work, risk taking, and cleverness – and at other times suffered in spite of these traits, my thinking is that I can instill a sense of pride in who they came from and who their family is.

By basing this on our own family history and by focusing on how American ideals have enabled our family (and other American families) to succeed, I believe this might pass along the boost and shield to our children, while avoiding some of the risks of feeling superior based on their status as a member of a particular group.

This action item is based on the second of my takeaways from The Triple Package: An inferiority complex may confer some advantages on children. From the takeaways section above:

• Benefits of the Inferiority Complex: a drive to measure up & prove the world wrong

• Risks: anxiety, a feeling of never being good enough, a narrow view of success

The authors note that the general success of America has undercut our insecurity. Additionally, the self-esteem movement severed self-esteem from conduct. Figuring out how to instill measured insecurity in a child is a challenge. Frankly, I do not want to sit down at dinner and talk to my children about the more successful children next door. But it seems critical that our children’s view of themselves connect to the reality of their actions.

After giving this some thought, I think it is possible to instill an anxious self-awareness but stop short of instilling gnawing anxiety. My approach will be to change the end goal from one that is result-oriented to one that is more process-oriented. In other words, the goal would not necessarily be to attain a solid economic and/or social foothold. Rather, the goal would be to behave as an honorable person who works hard, is honest, is reliable, and who takes care of family. To do this, simply to re-connecting self-esteem with conduct may be sufficient. The push would come from whether one is measuring up to this ethical standard. And whether one can one day become an honorable adult.

To do this, it would be important to make it clear that becoming an honorable person is the best possible outcome. It may be necessary to compare the kids to others who demonstrate good character to instill some anxiety about whether or not their behavior measures up.

This action item is based on the third of my takeaways from The Triple Package: Developing strong impulse control may confer some advantages on children. From the takeaways section above:

• Benefits of Impulse Control: the ability to resist temptations and persevere in the face of hardship or failure
• Risks: without the other triple-package factors, impulse control is mere asceticism

First, I think the lesson is that parents need to teach kids diligence and hard work. Parents should be willing to sacrifice some current comforts and be willing to have some conflict to teach this. This is difficult for parents who work long hours already. It is for me. After a long day, I want the time with my children to be happy, conflict-free, and fun.

For instance, in our family, we are not even certain whether our children should pick up a classical instrument. We worry we will be constantly arguing with them over practicing it! It seems nearly certain to fall by the wayside later in life anyway. So why invest the time in developing the skill ? The Triple Package authors suggest that the reason is to teach two things. First, a strong work ethic. Second, that one can master difficult subjects (like math, science, etc.) if one practices regularly and often. In the words of Ben Franklin in Poor Richard’s Almanac, “Leisure is Time for doing something useful.” So perhaps the takeaway here is to learn how to spend time with children while simultaneously imparting a useful skill that you practice together regularly. And brace for some conflict.

Second, the findings from the variation on the marshmallow test with the unreliable authority figure suggest that it may be important for parents to find ways to encourage children to believe in the authority figures in their lives despite their imperfections. This means, first, be a reliable authority figure. Follow through on your promises. Second, teach children to find a way to have faith that the authorities in their lives (teachers, admissions systems, bosses in the workplace, the government, etc.) are generally worth trusting to some extent.

The book acknowledges the role of the parents and their cultural background to the extent that they instill the triple package qualities in their children. It does not focus so much on the parents themselves and how they may differ from other parents on an individual rather than cultural level. I wonder how much of the difference in mindset is due to their culture versus the fact that these are the individuals who cannot easily and satisfactorily integrate into and succeed in mainstream American society. In some cases, they have also abruptly broken with the world where they grew up, cutting off their ability to achieve success in that society either.

The fact that the triple package traits are apparently consistent across different cultural groups suggests they may represent a common human reaction to a common problem. Where parents feel that their own pathway to success is closed, they are forced to invest solely in their children. They want their children to succeed both by America’s standards and by the standards of the world in which the parents grew up. The superiority complex may represent the parents’ efforts to explain the standards of the culture in which the parents grew up. The inferiority complex may resuls from an inability to measure up to two standards of success (success in America and success based on the likely idealized culture in which the parents grew up).

The Protestant Work Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism by Max Weber.

The authors describe how early American Puritan culture tracked the triple-package traits. Puritans believed they had been chosen as a “city on a hill” – an example to the world (a superiority complex). Under the influence of Calvinism, they believed that God had pre-destined an unknowable few for salvation. (Leading to an inferiority complex, because one can never be sure of one’s salvation.) Each person had a “calling” – work God intended for them to perform while on earth. One’s faith was demonstrated through “relentless hard work, thrift, self-discipline, and ultimately profit” (impulse control).

I pulled this book as it addresses a culture that America has now mostly lost. The Triple Package authors note that being a Protestant today predicts downward economic mobility in the United States. I wanted to understand what it is that Protestant culture lost. My initial thought is that it seems to be rooted in our lost faith. Puritan work ethic was deeply rooted in anxiety about whether or not one was saved. It was also critical to demonstrate to the world that Puritans were God’s chosen people.

Democracy in America by Alexis de Tocqueville.

The authors state that, for Tocqueville, the mystery was why Americans should feel insecure in the midst of their prosperity. It seems like there may be some lessons here about an earlier version of American culture, but I haven’t touched this since college – maybe it’s time to pick it back up again!

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Disclaimer: This post is part of a series of practical takeaways on books that influence how I parent. My parenting takeaways from the Triple Package reflect my own interpretations and may not reflect the authors’ views. If you want to read more about the below, I strongly encourage you to BUY THE BOOK: The Triple Package! Also, this blog contains some affiliate links. So if you make a purchase after clicking through certain links, I may earn a small commission at no additional cost to you. Thank you for supporting this project!